Over the course of my city ownership journey, I have done my absolute best to be transparent about the things that really matter in life. I have admitted to struggling with depression and anxiety. I have been an open book about the physical struggles that I have been suffering though. I’ve even talked about how I lost everything a few years ago when I became disabled after my surgery went bad. When we started Synergy, I had my 6th major surgery in four years and when we started Unity, I had my 7th. Yeah… SINCE we opened UC, I’ve been trying to recovery from a partial knee replacement and pain that most people (thank God) will never experience in their lives.
I’ve told you who I was. I’ve shared my faith. I’ve shared my struggles. I’ve shared that I’m a father. I’ve shared my name. Hi, I’m Joel. For those that don’t know me. 👋🏽
I say all that to say that I have never hidden what’s going on. So, true to that fact, I gotta let you all know that after this last Community meeting, I feel that the weight that’s been on me and this staff and dev team is not in balance with what we need to be healthy and happy humans. I think that sometimes through the frustration and the whirlwind of emotional response, it gets lost that we’re real people on the other end of the constant critique and constant demands for the city. I think in this FiveM world, it’s easy to see what you want versus what you can do to help. But… that’s kinda like real life too, isn’t it?
Sometimes we forget that our actions hurt people. Or discourage people. Sometimes we forget that the people we interact with, have lives too. And they have heavy stuff TOO. And they have struggle, TOO. I think that, particularly in the FiveM world, people have no remorse for saying/doing things that they’d never do IRL because… there’s just an anonymous video game character across from you. Or there’s just an anonymous discord name that you see. It’s just a voice from a microphone. You can’t see the hurt in someone’s eyes … you can’t see the tears well-up and fall. You can just log off and act like nothing ever happened… because in your world… it didn’t. You never saw it… so I must not have caused any harm.
Well… that’s just not true. And our actions really do have an effect. Our attitudes really do affect if and how people want to be a part of this community, and if/how they want to be part of the team that tries to hold it all together. Unfortunately, as of now, about have of the team that runs this city has been so discouraged that they have taken a step back. And I don’t blame em. I’m having to take a step back too. We have to. Who wants to continue to go hard for something that people clearly don’t want the same way we do.
Feeling like we had to prove that we did things that we said we did… and then STILL not being believed… is tough. Because when you know that you’ve done right by people and it STILL somehow gets twisted around to be something more sneaky or malicious than it even was… it’s heartbreaking. It makes you feel like “why am I doing this? I’m gonna be ridiculed even when I do the right thing. So why try?” It’s tough. And it’s so much tougher in this phony gta 5 world. It’s very difficult.
The fact is, I haven’t enjoyed doing this for awhile now. And it’s had little to no positive return for me… but I always did this for y’all. And my team. And even when I couldn’t satisfy the community, as long as my team was still here and they still wanted to move forward, I could, at least, then, do it for them….
Moment of transparency… my people that I run this city with have become some my best and only friends in the world. They’ve seen/heard me at my worst. They’ve prayed for me. They’ve picked me up when the bullshit of running this city are just too much. Yeah I’m the one that had the vision for these 2 cities but it’s been THEIR faith in ME to pull it off, that I’ve had to lean on more than they even know.
But now… there’s uncertainty here. My people are weary of the constant negativity… and so am I.
I have pulled away. For the next few days, the only thing that I’ll be doing is tryna catch my breath. To pray. To ask God what He wants me to do. To ask God to encourage me… to encourage my friends. Of course I’ll be around for anything that’s catastrophic … but you will not see me, or most of the staff around this weekend, or so. All future development for the city will be on hold for now. The function of the city is in a good place so there’s not a ton to “fix” at the moment. It can absolutely stay open without us putting in hundreds of hours a week like we have been.
I just need to get some clarity on what I should do. I love this city. I’ve loved each of you and prayed for y’all more than you know. I just don’t think it’s healthy for me (or my people) to continue to work as hard as we have and still experience such a level of discouragement. I mean… it said a lot that even when we opened the floor to “anything good that you like about the city”… the comments were few and far between. It’s tough that a couple issues have ballooned to extreme levels that they seem to have gotten.
This isn’t a pity party or anything like that. I just wanted to be transparent with where I am… and where I think the health of my team is. I don’t wanna ACT ok when I’m not ok anymore. I don’t want my people to, either.
I do want to thank those of you who support the city and encourage me and the team. However you have supported … it’s appreciated. Whether it’s through financial or dedication to RP or verbal encouragements… It’s really been you guys that we’ve continued to try for.
Y’all have fun in the city this weekend… if you want. I fully understand that there’s greener pastures just a discord link away. God bless you if you go. God bless you if you stay. We’ll see y’all sometime next week.
- Sammy